Five Emmy Nominees Must Win To Keep Order In The Universe

There are two things that are true about most major award shows like the Emmys. The first is that they are pretty ridiculous on a macro level. Art is subjective and trying to pick an objective winner from a field of thousands of options across hundreds of channels and streaming services is a crazy exercise. Impossible. Even just narrowing it all down to a list of a few nominees is a process that would have to take years of a team of experts and burn through dozens and dozens of spreadsheets. We should all recognize this as madness and treat it as such.

The second thing that’s true is, once the nominations are announced, I’ll immediately throw all that rational thought straight down the nearest toilet and develop strong beliefs about who should win and why. I will be hot. i will get crazy about that. It happened again today, literally moments after the nominations were announced. This is not a healthy way of living, admitting something as something hooey and deciding to stay mad about it. But here we are. I feel fine about it.

Below, I’ve listed the five nominations I’m most excited about right now, as well as various threats I may or may not act on if they are not recognized. For legal reasons, let’s say this is all a joke.

I’m not really going to do any of this.

Unless you ignore my demands.

Ha ha.

But really.

Attention.

DO

HBO Max

Candidate: Smart Jean
Nominated For: Outstanding Comedy Actress (Hacking), Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series (The mare from Easttown)
What I Will Do If He Doesn’t Win: Seize control of the oceans and send a flood of salty wet chaos through the streets of Hollywood

It’s cool that Jean Smart is having a big career revival here in 2021, partly because he deserves it and partly because he’s cool, in general. The best way to end this is to unlock the Emmy by giving him the trophy and then keep handing the trophy until his knees start to buckle under the weight of all the awkwardly shaped gold nuggets, or until he asks us to stop. But that seems a bit unlikely at this point, as he’s only been nominated for these two films, one for comedy and one for drama. It’s still pretty cool, though, to be recognized in two different styles of acting on two different shows in the same year. I hope he wins both. I guess I’ll be satisfied with one. But I’ll have a trident by my side all night just in case.

COME ON

Candidate: Brett Goldstein
Nominated For: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series (Ted Lasso)
What I Will Do If He Doesn’t Win: Pile every trash can full on my street over the next four weeks

The difficult thing here is the competition. The field has just been loaded, and is specially loaded with his Ted Lasso opponent. That’s why my threat is less severe. Because, while it’s very important to me personally that the person responsible for bringing Roy Kent into the world is recognized for doing so, I don’t see how I can stay mad for too long if the credit goes to Brendan Hunt. to play Coach Beard or Nick Mohammed to play Nate, or even to Kenan Thompson or Bowen Yang for their work SNL. How come Kenan hasn’t won an Emmy for acting yet? That sucks too. I’ll probably drop that trash can regardless of the outcome at this point. Someone is being sprayed here. Give them all trophies.

No. No. We stick with Roy. The man said the f-word better than anyone else on television. And see how he reacts to this nomination.

Gotta count something.

LISTEN TO ME

HBO MAX

Candidate: Rosie Perez
Nominated For: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series (flight attendant)
What I Will Do If He Doesn’t Win: Drive across country by substituting weird orange grated cheese and carrots on random salad bars

Rosie Perez is the best and has been the best for decades now. He is very good at flight attendant, and one of the main reasons the show was so much more than a fancy and fun show could be. He provides the threat, the stakes, the real level of attention that helps elevate the stylish murder mystery into something more. He does exactly what someone needs to do in a supporting role: bring in a few small scenes, shade in areas around bright colors, and steal a few little moments here and there. That is good. Rosie Perez is great. And I’d really love to hear her give her acceptance speech when she’s done, because Rosie Perez is the coolest.

I VOTE TO GOD

Candidate: WandaVision
Nominated For: Great Original Music and Lyrics (“Agatha All Along”)
What Will I Do If I Don’t Win: bee

I guess this one was a long shot because it was against Bo Burnham. I can literally see voters looking at the nominations and ticking the box because it’s special, In, deep and innovative and introspective and dealing with emotions that we’ve all worked through over a year are mostly stuck inside too, and that’s fair. That’s all that stuff. But please don’t look at that and discount “Agatha All Along” as a lightweight superhero fleece. It is very nice. And funny. And it’s actually important to the show’s very good and enjoyable plot. And it gives Kathryn Hahn a reason to get as big as she wants to be with it, which isn’t something we should ignore. Because if you do…

bee.

But again, I’m just kidding.

Except I don’t.

Ignore the buzz you hear.

MOFF GIDEON

Lucasfilm

Candidate: Giancarlo Esposito
Nominated For: Outstanding Supporting Actor In Drama Series (Mandalorian)
What I Will Do If He Doesn’t Win: Send a letter with firm words to my congressman

Three things to note here:

  • Giancarlo Esposito somehow never won an Emmy for playing Gus Fring in two amazing shows over 10 years, which is crazy
  • We have to give him an Emmy
  • I would love it if someone won a prestigious award for playing a character named “Moff Gideon”

There. This is resolved.

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